Sunday, April 17, 2011

So, this isnt the TBC.....but its an impromptu tesimony..small bit...Why I needed a Savior.

Today, was a GREAT day.
I spent the whole day at the beach with great friends, perfect weather, the whole nine.
Went to our cast party for Heavens Gates and got to watch our play and hang with my church fam (who I grew so much closer to this week) and just soak in being witness to 165 people give their lives to Jesus, and take it in that God let me be a part of that.
Went to the guys house (my bruthas) and did the usual hanging, saw a couple of really cheesy movies.
Drove home per usual around 1 am, little less than 3 mile drive and he popped into my head and my flesh cried out, because I'm not going home to you.

Not because I miss you. Not because I'm still sitting here asking and pleading with God to make a way for you, so we can be together the way we had planned.... but because my flesh has these memories, that run so deep because I gave my heart to you when I should'nt have. Because I never knew how intimate all of those little things I miss, really are (Like driving home to your spouse). How because we never got married, I wasn't guaranteed ANY THING in the end.

Then as I started crying, this song came on KLove
"Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You're the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You're what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I'd need a Savior"

All the days of loss....and to the Cross.. You knew, that I'd need a Savior.
And Your name is Jesus.
My best friend, wonderful counselor.
Youre the one I cling to, and Youre the one that brought me through.

You knew how bad it'd hurt. Because You carried my heartache, and my brokenness when he left me. (the wages of MY sin, You took to the Cross) and you knew I'd need a Savior to fix all of the self destruction I willingly inflicted for cheap, worldy, "love". You knew the deepest parts of my heart, and how they still cried out to know what real Love might be. But just like everyone else, I just wanted to be Loved/accepted/worthy for who I was. Not for the things I did, or the things I might do in the future. But, just LOVED. Without reason. Even when I didn't deserve it. We all need forgiveness don't we?

I remember when I first met You, God. I mean, when I REALLY first met YOU.
Its hard to explain to people, who I pray eventually will really know You, how it felt...
I felt much like I do now..

Weeping uncontrollably.

Because I came to You, not knowing You. And truthfully hadnt REALLY believed in You or Christianity before and I didn't deserve anything for all the screwing up I had done, and especially, if You were real...I REALLY DIDNT DESERVE MERCY!
But You drew so close to me anyway, even though I STILL wasnt sure all of this was real or going to work. But I was DESPERATE, my heart was DESPERATE for relief that Eckhart Tolle could not even get his puffed up Ego around fixing .
And You made yourself known to me, full blown without a doubt, You came in to save me.. and in ways I pray the whole world could experience You in. You crept up beside me, wrapped me in Your arms, and whispered so gently, "Rest in Me". I remember hearing You, over and over, washing Your Love over me and just laying it at your feet screaming, " I can't do this on my own!" You knew I wouldn't be able to. You knew I'd come before I even did. You saw me fail miserably all by myself; my entire life. And you waited. I tortured myself my whole life and kept searching for all the right answers... All the New Age philosophy in the world, meditation.. is cheapened satisfaction and is dirt compared to who You are. And You waited patiently, but also with a jealousy for my affection/attention. 
It's a lie that I bought and fed  for a while, because it was a lot easier to pretend You weren't there. (Because I mean, I didn't really need You). I remember asking You to forgive me for fighting with You for so long, but how my soul finally found peace in Your embrace. Your Love is deep, wonderous, and furious for me. You easily won my heart once I offered surrender.

Next, (about 20 minutes ago) I was drawn to a book about Mother Teresa and opened up a letter she wrote called Varanasi Letter
"We may spend time in chapel – but have you seen with the eyes of your soul how He looks at you with love? Do you really know the living Jesus – not from books but from being with Him in your heart? Have you heard the loving words He speaks to you?...

He loves you always, even when you don’t feel worthy. When not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes – He is the one who always accepts you. My children, you don’t have to be different for Jesus to love you. Only believe – You are precious to Him. Bring all you are suffering to His feet – only open your heart to be loved by Him as you are. He will do the rest."

Only a couple excerpts, the whole thing leaves me a mess after every time. Mostly, the about how he looks at me with Love, kind, sweet, intimate, gentle and compassionate Love. I love how she puts it, because it is not the kind of Love I see with my physical eyes...but with, "the eyes of your soul".
A couple of weeks ago, during a regular wednesday night service I was talking to You in worship and I just felt like asking, "Why? Why would You do this for me? Why do You even Love me? I am the thorn in your crown, and Judas' kiss... and You love me...with this unfathomable Love anyway. WHY?" 
And it was so simple, You came into my heart, and I felt what Your Love really was: Love without reason, Love that suffered/s, Love that was and is and will always be. No matter what I do. Your Love, is the Love, that completely satisfies my soul.. The deepest of Love to ever walk the earth, was Love I still have trouble accepting and believing sometimes. But it is so very real, my soul knows full well it is TRUTH.
From September of 09 to now, its been a journey to say the least ...even the pain I felt tonight, if pain is what it took to gain knowing the Love of Jesus. Someone give me more, so more can be given to me, I need more.

And NO,
this isn't always easy, but with my Savior, I never walk alone.

Psalm 23

 1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
 2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
 3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
 4 Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Why I needed a Savior (and you do too) Part 1/???

I've recently began reading Timothy Kellers "The Reason for God : Belief in the Age of Skepticism." ( Check it out here for reviews/to buy; Highly recommended by yours truly. I CHALLENGE you to read this book!

Needless to say, I've been crazy crazy inspired by this book. I am thoroughly impressed and challenged by it; I am certainly in awe of how well researched it is.
I could write about a million things right now, but I'll try to boil it down to a few key things.

I titled this blog, "Why I need a Savior" because I think this is the fundamental question that non-believers ask. Its one I asked angrily MILLIONS of time before I accepted the fact that I needed to be "saved." (I mean seriously, saved from what? HELL? Well, that's just not nice! I don't even know that thats real!!)
I've once heard someone tell me, that Christianity "suckers people into religion when they are the weakest." I'm here to tell you that, that is indeed true. (Although, personally I wouldnt use the term "sucker" because it implies stupidity and ignorance and I do not regard myself either of the two).

So before I came to accept the Truth of the Gospel, that Jesus Christ is TRULY without a doubt the way to abundant life on EARTH and for ETERNITY I had a few very common views about Christians.
1. You arrogant sons of (you know what), how dare you tell ME what I need.
2. My God loves EVERYONE and I refuse to serve one that says certain people are going to Hell (Because this crazy love I have inside for people cannot bear the thought of ANYONE going to this place you call Hell)
3. I am a good person! Religion disgusts me! All your stupid wars over who's God is better, who's God is the right God. KEEP ME OUT OF THAT CRAP! I just wanna love on some peoples!!,

Well, for starters, I know some amazing Christian people. Secondly, I have some also amazing compassionate non-Christian friends. The difference between them isnt who's better than the next. It's who's willing to admit whole heartedly, shamelessly admit they fall miserably short of something....even if they arent quite sure of what it is yet.

"This is the written account of Adam's line. When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God." - Genesis 5:1

God made us to be in the likeness of Himself, if I can say, one of the most important (if not the most important) attribute of who God is. The Christian's God is LOVE.

 God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. - 1 John 4:16

With this Love of who God could possibly be follow the attributtes of everything Pure, Holy, Perfect, Innocent, Divine, Righteous, Humble but the two that stand out are Love and Forgiveness.

"Love" according to a Wikipedia reference is: In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection. Love is central to many religions, as in the Christian phrase, "God is love" or Agape in the Canonical gospels.[2] Love may also be described as actions towards others (or oneself) based on compassion.[3] Or as actions towards others based on affection.[4]

I've always felt a strong love, urge, yearn, compelling feeling (sometimes crazy overwhelming  desire) to Love people. In all of their uniquness, all of their flaws, all of their sufferings and I believe its because we were made in this reverent image of something bigger than all of us. Something inside of us compels us to do "what's right".
Sometimes at great lengths and costs to ourselves, there is something sacrificial inside of us. (If you did not know, Love is/always GIVES; Yet like I said in the previous post, we usually only are looking out for ourSelves.) Truthfully, everything good and moral I claim to be/want to be I fail to really accomplish most of the time. This wicked true self gets in the way.

Then I think of all of these crazy of stories on the news about the guy who jumped in front of a train to save a stranger, or the guy in the drugstore who took a bullet for the child...What inside of us drives us to great lengths for others?  But COMPASSION and Love.  (I will get into natural instinct in the next few blogs and why moral and social theories on cause and reason why we act out of Love ultimately FAIL)

So when Christians (even having many arguments with my own mother) argued that indeed, disobeying the Word of God would send people to Hell it crazy crazy angered me. How can I believe in a God like that? Isn't God all loving? Why would He send people to Hell?
But I believed our capacity to Love so deeply, create so beautifully, and be so utterly and unmistakabely diverse...Was in fact totally DIVINE. So where did that leave me? Where does that leave the agnostic?

Dead end number one. Why do I need a Savior again?