Nobody wants happiness

How deep & wonderfully complex is the human heart? I really meditate on this a lot. I sat this morning in my dining room, sipping my favorite coffee; enjoying the beauty of yet another day offered to me. I think back on my life when times were awful and when times were so sweet; I close my eyes and drift away to relive them again.  I used to do this, coffee-morning-meditation more often as a person passionate to love and enjoy life & find meaning in resting in the present moment. Although my life was falling apart, I trusted life's grand plan would work all things out for my good. I was a really happy person. I was also a terribly miserable person. 

If you are anything like me, there is something in you that comes alive and is blissfully, "Well with your soul" listening to Bach's Unaccompanied Cello Suite No. 1. (as I write, I'm drowning in bits of Heaven pouring into my soul...) Your heart might skip an almost frightening amount of times when you see the sunrise in an Arizona sky. Maybe you've danced in the warm Costa Rican rain in the middle of a thunderstorm, Glee-ing your own joyous moments to yourself with that Nik Day song,
"Tell me how could life get any better,
I feel like I could live like this forever,
The sky is such an interesting shade of blue,
& there isnt a thing that we've got to do.
No it doesn't matter near or far,
Cause Love is the same no matter where you are
Oh life is such an interesting thing to do...."

In every joyous moment,there is something( some thing) desperately aching inside of me to settle in, get cozy and make a warm cup of coffee and live there for the rest of my life. Everybody knows what I'm talking about; every human heart is conditioned for it. Some call it Truth, some call it happiness or peace, reality, consciousness, awakening (as a former New Ager, I guess it's also referred to as Enlightenment). All religions are desperately aware of the human desire to cultivate, protect, chase, become aware of "it". If you disagree, you're lying. I don't believe anyone believes in atheism, because they'd have to believe in that too. Oxymoron much? Don't misunderstand me, I'm not proclaiming a war on happiness. I've just realized we're marvelously human beings & painfully aware of it. (Recently, with the school shootings, how evil we as a species can become too) Then how wonderful we can be too, when we gather in the midst of tragedy and heart wrenching times. 

When I started to believe the Truth, about this one True God in Christ; I was horribly deceived that I could no longer be a human. I can't touch, see, or feel. I'm bad, I'm a sinner. Prone to wander from a Perfect-Too-Good-To-Be-True-God... who is selfish for my affections. I thought "Denying myself" meant denying being everything I am. Every bit of goodness and every miserable thing. Robot much? My heart became numb to every sensation of life. As God has been drawing my heart towards the world again, in Today, I've opened my heart to being human again. To just being completely aware of my crazy humanness. To the joy, to the pain, to the anger, to the frustrations. When I am presently aware of how happy I am reading an elegant, breathtaking piece of literature with a delicious glass of pinot noir in my hand.... it means I have to be undeniably aware of the emptiness I feel when it's over. So on we go, searching for the next love affair of our hearts; disappointed and discontent at every turn. I'll say it again, we are painfully and wonderfully human.  
             As I drank my coffee this morning, as its something I deeply enjoy doing, God whispered suggestive words to my heart that as lovely and wonderful as life is; We are not looking for happiness. All the tastefulness of this life are the shouts of a God far more satisfying than anything in the world can ever offer. I've come to the terms that I am not one of those Christian that believes, "Everything is bad." I tried that . No trabajo. (Spanglish for," It didnt work")
I still believe we have a holy God, whom we were entirely made to enjoy Him, Love Him and be Loved by Him. 
I believe Jesus has invited us into the greatest love affair we will ever be offered; because when we confess, if you will by now, that we are aching for meaning and ultimately something more than our friends, spouses, good food or sex offers. We realize what we really want is complete  acceptance & we can only achieve this by means of being accepted for who we are. Dirty faces, & unclean hands. No one will ever perfectly accept us, we stand in the face of criticism & judgment every day. White/black/brown/tattoos/degree/CEO/Janitor/piercings/fat/skinny/disabilities/rich/poor. We don't want happiness. We want acceptance & freedom & we can't be accepted without needing to be forgiven for something. God is, in Him alone, big fat "Welcome" mat to settle into that cozy house we all dream about. I've heard some preachers say things like this about what, Jesus said when he said, " I am The Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
We all tend to think its all about Heaven and who goes to Hell. But Jesus didn't say that, He said, "No one comes to the Father" in essence, the Fathers house. The Fathers Love. The Fathers unfailing acceptance and forgiveness. God didn't just look down on us & leave us to our happily miserable selves content with fleeting pleasure, as C.S. Lewis said,

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

He came for us, confessing our discontentment, to be a God who can be all the God we need Him to be (and so much better than we could ever dream up). I am realizing the joy's in life, worthy to be grateful for and enjoyed,but they are infinitely unsatisfying in comparison to the Love of Jesus. It's all pointing to God. & He came to be our cozy days, our rainbow, the Bach of our hearts, the intoxicating wine of our souls; & exceedingly, abundantly, incomparably all our minds can conceive or imagine & by this Love, I am continuously humbled, grateful and offering my life up to the Hands of all Joy and Life.

In my Fathers House, (there's always room for more)

Valerie