Would I be lying to you if I said we lived in a society that was DESPERATE to be loved? Would it be far fetched to say there's something inside of us, that NEEDS to be loved and to love, more than breathing itself?
I know 90% of you would agree that its true; and if you don't, well your'e a big fat liar.
It all begins when we're babies. Yep, babies need love. Doesnt sound like a mind blowing revelation does it? Let me finish... When we were born, already in us was this built in LOVE ME!! button, and even though we were babies, we knew how to push it cause darn-it, SOMEBODY NEEDS TO HOLD ME ALREADY!!!....For some of us, that doesnt sound that different from today does it?
We're in these big adult suits now, and more than half of us are screaming," Darn it, somebody needs to hold me already!!"
Am I wrong?
I was one of them. I won't get into the ex factor about it, but I will say I was what my Pastor Andrew refers to as a "vacuum, cause they will suck the life out of you."
When I started at the La Jolla Trader Joes I was "dating" someone right out of my 8 year relationship and I was flying high on infatuation (also to be translated as lies-you-will-tell-yourself-so-you-wont-face-being-alone-then-rality-sets-in-and its like CRAP)
It was this vicious cycle of break up make up for a while, but truthfully, God was constantly convicting me telling me this
1. Wasnt where He wanted me to be
2. I was really damaging myself further for such a cheap, temporary satisfaction (Hellllooooo, does anybody else know what I mean? Drugs? Alchohol? Etc?)
3. LUST never satisfies, DRUGS- never satisty
I didn't know at the time, all of these "feelings" I had about it, was God looking out for me. Desperately trying to get my attention that He is the ONLY thing that can satisfy my helpless, JACKED up soul.
But see, we're really good about ignoring God. I mean certfied experts on selective God-ar. I mean, personally, I could write a book on "How To Ignore The Greatest Love of Your Life/The Best thing to ever happen to you"..
We only hear what we want to hear, and see what we want to see. Sadly, tragically, a lot of us will spend our whole lives afraid of finding out if these deep feelings of unsatisfaction could MAYBE, MAYBE be this God they've heard about (Cause it probably means I have to change right? And change sucks, cause like, I'm so used to what I'm doing now and it seems fun and stuff....and well, I dont wanna change!! Cue, more, excesssive child-like rebellion here). Luke 17:33 Whoever tries to KEEP his life will LOSE it, and whoever LOSES his life will PRESERVE it.
Because the truth is, you are a kid still. We all are.
That embedded LOVE-ME! button was/is there for a reason. God put it there.
So you would Love him the most, and so He could love you more than anyone else ever could ON THE PLANET. So HE could be the only thing to satisfy you. The crazy thing about God though, is that He doesnt ever force it on you. (Like the world does, He doesnt NEED you to love Him...But He wants you to). He will puruse you, but not demand you to Love him back (Like the world does of you). He will give you road after road to choose Him and His way, but He will never make you do something you dont want to do yourself.
And the thing is, we dont know how to Love; truly.
We've been let down.
Things have happened to us that screwed up the whole concept of Love for life, it seems like. ( And to clear it up, I am really more talking about Love AGAPEand it can be defined as SWEET, DIVINE, PURE, SELF SACRIFICING, PURE, UNCONDITIONAL, THOUGHTFUL Love of the Father and through the One and Only Son Jesus Christ).
The world is really jacked up. I'll be the first to say that, but I believe in Love.
I believe Love can cover up all the wrongs, and make it right. (Love AGAPE)
Kids are abused, kidnapped, and some molested (Myself going through one of those things). Theres rape, there is heinous murder and tragedy in war.
Starvation.( We can get more into these things in another blog)
Back on track,
Youre in this big adult suit, just a kid..with no direction, no instruction and really, you want to be Loved and accepted.
First things first, 4
You were made by God to Love God and be filled up by His Love for YOU. Nothing you say, or feel, changes that. Its the Truth.
"...you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment." Mark 12:30
Second, This is how God commands us to Lovc one another, the way Christ Loved us.
" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 4-7
More on Love soon, and the beautiful, mind blowing, Love of Jesus Christ.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Its cliche, but I blinked maybe twice and it was December 2010. Um, what happened?
I was going to try and intertwine the previous post with this one, but seperating them felt necessary. With the whole November blog before us, I can't believe its (technically) December 7th 2010, a whole year and month since. Seriously? I could not possibly fit an entire years worth of memories into one single blog, so I'll start with how I remember last December going.
Though I had the whole 30 day rule under my belt, that was the best I could honestly do.
I was more than a hot mess.
I was a royal, out-of-control hot mess. Plus 10.
I seriously owe it to God for giving me an AMAZING set of Fulltimers during that time, they were the blessing I needed (to keep my job that is)
The truth is, around this time last year, I wouldve already maybe been a bottle of wine deep and uncorking the second. Conan mightve been on in the background, but I was sitting on the brown flowered floor rug my sister gave me cause I told her I liked it ( I only took a lamp when I moved out) and smoking a black because I picked up that habit when I decided it made me feel better too. I was 23, I had lived "on my own" since I was 18, but I'd never ever spent a day alone or without him since I was 15 and I felt like I was losing my mind, truthfully, LOSING IT.
At first, I would tell myself its "pampering" myself after a long day.. and that I "deserved" . At least thats what I made myself believe, for a very very long time.
But it was bad. Most times I wouldn't even have food in my tiny section of the fridge...but there was beer! Some days, alcohol would be my only meal of the day. Then right next to my flowers would be half a bottle of tequila from margarita nights(which meant every night pretty much, but I did love my wine). There was only half because I knocked it over after I drank the bottle of wine, or in some sort of drunken rage of throwing crap against the walls. Or on cleaning day, I'd gather the 3-5 40's I bought with my last 5 bucks, or realized I really needed to drink and nothing was open but 7-11.
I got wasted on my weekends and stayed glued to my bed, I'm glad no one really knew how bad it was. Well, I think Claudia knew And maybe, maybe my mom, but I'm sure she was in denial. I'm sure all of those 3 am drunk dials cant be forgotten(I love you ma).But even laying here now, reflecting on it, I feel a sucker punch wave of pain to my heart. No one but me and God really know what went down within those four walls those first few months, not just the walls of my room. But the ones in my heart, the ones surrounding my mind. I can honestly say, I was detoxing from a person, from an addiction. They dont have rehab for Just-got-dumped-after-spending-almost-half-your-life-with someone/Only-guy-you've-ever-cared-about. They didnt offer classes on "How to be an indivudual and/or coexist without someone you made your other half"
Alcohol is a cheap mans prescription for pain, and it was no different for me......
But here I am, December 6th 2010, I knew I'd get here. I just never imagined I would be THIS happy, THIS peaceful, THIS changed, THIS BLESSED! (Thank GOD!!)
Drunk on Peppermint Jo Jo ice cream, High on God, Wasted with LIVING LIFE!!!!!!! :)
Though I had the whole 30 day rule under my belt, that was the best I could honestly do.
I was more than a hot mess.
I was a royal, out-of-control hot mess. Plus 10.
I seriously owe it to God for giving me an AMAZING set of Fulltimers during that time, they were the blessing I needed (to keep my job that is)
The truth is, around this time last year, I wouldve already maybe been a bottle of wine deep and uncorking the second. Conan mightve been on in the background, but I was sitting on the brown flowered floor rug my sister gave me cause I told her I liked it ( I only took a lamp when I moved out) and smoking a black because I picked up that habit when I decided it made me feel better too. I was 23, I had lived "on my own" since I was 18, but I'd never ever spent a day alone or without him since I was 15 and I felt like I was losing my mind, truthfully, LOSING IT.
At first, I would tell myself its "pampering" myself after a long day.. and that I "deserved" . At least thats what I made myself believe, for a very very long time.
But it was bad. Most times I wouldn't even have food in my tiny section of the fridge...but there was beer! Some days, alcohol would be my only meal of the day. Then right next to my flowers would be half a bottle of tequila from margarita nights(which meant every night pretty much, but I did love my wine). There was only half because I knocked it over after I drank the bottle of wine, or in some sort of drunken rage of throwing crap against the walls. Or on cleaning day, I'd gather the 3-5 40's I bought with my last 5 bucks, or realized I really needed to drink and nothing was open but 7-11.
I got wasted on my weekends and stayed glued to my bed, I'm glad no one really knew how bad it was. Well, I think Claudia knew And maybe, maybe my mom, but I'm sure she was in denial. I'm sure all of those 3 am drunk dials cant be forgotten(I love you ma).But even laying here now, reflecting on it, I feel a sucker punch wave of pain to my heart. No one but me and God really know what went down within those four walls those first few months, not just the walls of my room. But the ones in my heart, the ones surrounding my mind. I can honestly say, I was detoxing from a person, from an addiction. They dont have rehab for Just-got-dumped-after-spending-almost-half-your-life-with someone/Only-guy-you've-ever-cared-about. They didnt offer classes on "How to be an indivudual and/or coexist without someone you made your other half"
Alcohol is a cheap mans prescription for pain, and it was no different for me......
But here I am, December 6th 2010, I knew I'd get here. I just never imagined I would be THIS happy, THIS peaceful, THIS changed, THIS BLESSED! (Thank GOD!!)
Drunk on Peppermint Jo Jo ice cream, High on God, Wasted with LIVING LIFE!!!!!!! :)
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