"A lot of times we reach out to Him and beg for help. Pray our wounds to be healed.. What we sometimes don't realize is we reach with one hand expecting help and with the other conceal our wounds because they hurt too much. Don't do half of the work, reach out with open arms and Let him touch you."-My Facebook post Sept 6, 2010
Last night I had a dream, about my ex boyfriend. Oh you know the one, that I was with for half of my life? That one.
Generally, if I have a dream about him. I wake up psycho-analyzing every reason why, "Do I still love him? Do I miss him? Do I wish we were back together? Oh you must still love him, that is pathetic....".... by the time I pull the covers from my head I've taken my own heart and stomped, kicked, hissed, and torn it to a million pieces.
But today was a little different.
I wrote that previous quote right when I was real jacked up, when I was total crazy dying on the inside....but drawing near to this beautiful, real, intimacy with God in the midst of my brokenness. I remember God kindly asking me to remove my hand from my wound, and let Him touch it. Talk about raw pain, I'd just gotten dumped by my boyfriend of 8 years while calling venues we were deciding to get married at. My world had literally crumbled in one single day. So you wanna go there? Jesus doesn't want a little bit of the pain, the beauty of His wonderful intimacy demands it all. & how I was recklessly abandoned to give up anything He asked to feel more of His wonderful presence! So, heart broken and wide open, I let Him into my pain. I let Him comfort me. I remember intimate first nights with my Dad, I would be in bed just crying and crying and have no more of a prayer than," Jesus, just give me the peace to sleep tonight." Because sleeping alone, in a joke of a "bedroom" I found on Craigslist after sleeping next to Daniel every night for 5 years was unbearable to do, which is why I mostly drank myself to sleep before I found the Lord. But in my nightmare, I would cry to him and there be waves of indescribable peace washing me until I fell asleep; & I loved Him for that.
I loved Him for not needing anything out of me than all the brokenness I had to give.
Psalm 147:3" He heals up the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 51:17 " The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O Lord, You will not despise.."