Sunday, December 16, 2012

The Saviors Way: Road to Redemption

"A lot of times we reach out to Him and beg for help. Pray our wounds to be healed.. What we sometimes don't realize is we reach with one hand expecting help and with the other conceal our wounds because they hurt too much. Don't do half of the work, reach out with open arms and Let him touch you."-My Facebook post Sept 6, 2010

Last night I had a dream, about my ex boyfriend. Oh you know the one, that I was with for half of my life? That one.
Generally, if I have a dream about him. I wake up psycho-analyzing every reason why, "Do I still love him? Do I miss him? Do I wish we were back together? Oh you must still love him, that is pathetic....".... by the time I pull the covers from my head  I've taken my own heart and stomped, kicked, hissed, and torn it to a million pieces. 

But today was a little different. 

I wrote that previous quote right when I was real jacked up, when I was total crazy dying on the inside....but drawing near to this beautiful, real, intimacy with God in the midst of my brokenness. I remember God kindly asking me to remove my hand from my wound, and let Him touch it. Talk about raw pain, I'd just gotten dumped by my boyfriend of 8 years while  calling venues we were deciding to get married at. My world had literally crumbled in one single day. So you wanna go there? Jesus doesn't want a little bit of the pain, the beauty of His wonderful intimacy demands it all. & how I was recklessly abandoned to give up anything He asked to feel more of His wonderful presence!  So, heart broken and wide open, I let Him into my pain. I let Him comfort me. I remember intimate first nights with my Dad, I would be in bed just crying and crying and have no more of a prayer than," Jesus, just give me the peace to sleep tonight." Because sleeping alone, in a joke of a "bedroom" I found on Craigslist after sleeping next to Daniel every night for 5 years was unbearable to do, which is why I mostly drank myself to sleep before I found the Lord. But in my nightmare, I would cry to him and there be waves of indescribable peace washing me until I fell asleep; & I loved Him for that.
I loved Him for not needing anything out of me than all the brokenness I had to give. 

Psalm 147:3" He heals up the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Psalm 51:17 " The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O Lord, You will not despise.."

I've had really wonderful friends and family as I've been walking on this road of healing. But sometimes, I feel (as I should) no one really understands the way Jesus does. 
"Have you broken soul ties?"" Yes, I think like 18 times. "Are you still in contact w/him?" No, only when his girlfriends mom (who I happen to work with) last mentioned their trip to Spain.  "Do you wish you were back together?" No. Most days no. No. Then the inevitable:" Have you forgiven him?" I've realized forgiveness isn't just a one time decision to forgive the abandonment,forgive all of the horrible things he said about me, how I never really got an explanation other than a paraphrased," I missed out on partying and all of the single life, so now instead I think I wanna do that." Forgiveness, for me, means letting my life be redeemed in Christ. I don't know how long that will take, but I know it's finished already. Because Gods Word says, I am more than a conqueror in ALL things because of Christ.
But for a long time now, I've been tiptoeing around facing how I feel and feeling guilt- so I flee into more church work-fellowship- even in my alone time...You see God & I have this thing, we're not supposed to talk about "it",  cause I should be over "it" by now. What I didn't realize was somewhere along the way I put my hand over the very thing I came to Jesus for initially: a broken heart.

Its been about 2 years since this surrender to God and as I woke up this morning from that dream, the Lord said to me," Valerie, take your hand off of it. You don't need to know why or try to figure out how to fix it. Let me in with you."  I wrestled with it initially, well, all day honestly; until I was driving home. I began crying as soon as I hit the onramp home and took my hand off for a minute & He gently wrapped His arms around me the whole way home. Jesus says, "My sheep know My voice.." and I found myself promising to not "do half the work" anymore and walk this way with Him till its finished; whenever that is. (Phil 1:6)

My prayer is that anyone reading this, who's gone through what I am or chances are you will know someone eventually is, not that: You would pity them. The world throws pity parties, Godly people throw comfort parties (love one another, yes, pray for each other) Not that you would allow him/her to  wallow in disappointment, but that you would remind the despite it, there is hope eternal. I even dare say, Don't tell them, " God has a husband/wife for you." its true and awesome but first remind them instead, "At His right Hand are pleasures forevermore.  (Jesus is seated here) There is comfort in Christ & let me tell you, this doesn't always look pretty. It's messy, but there is a beautiful powerful nearness in our need for Jesus to be our strength and light in the wilderness of grief. Because although, I know God is all powerful and can do ANYTHING. I also know there is a Peace that comes with praising God through the pain. There is a hope that emerges in the, shadows of His wings, and joy in the Lap of the Father.  

I heard this saying once, that walking with Jesus is walking 
the Road to Redemption. To deliverance,to being rescued. I like that. I like it because its trusting in the process, in the signposts marked," The Saviors Way--->Keep going!" So as I'm writing now, I'm encouraged in my heart. Because I know this road leads me to more of Jesus. 

Paul said it this way about some of Jesus' disciples felt, he said they were," Sorrowful...yet rejoicing." Yeah. I really like that.

.....Yet rejoicing




  1. Yes,...trusting the Savior's way... A few years back God showed me a process of healing. It was an open wound... open, gaping, a ghasting sight. His hand began to reach out toward the wound, and the unidentified person began to squirm. God told me "stillness" When God is doing His perfect work within us, the more still we are the less of a scar will remain. Be still and know that I AM God... right. Nothing is worse, than to have to reopen a wound and repeat the surgery again...that causes scar tissue over scar tissue, leaving behind a huge constant reminder. It is hard to be still and trust, but oh when we do... there is virtually no remnant visible to see. Bless you Valerie... God is doing wonderful things within in you- Cheryl

  2. Great blog Valerie. The writing draws you in. It's a strong point you made about not telling them that God has a future spouse for them but first telling them that Jesus satisfies. That's the thing we need to know and experience. Praise God for the road to redemption and how He heals. It's great to see how God is working in your life and I agree with Cheryl that He is doing wonderful things. PTL. Btw, sorry for taking so long in responding...Great job though!