Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Its cliche, but I blinked maybe twice and it was December 2010. Um, what happened?

I was going to try and intertwine the previous post with this one, but seperating them felt necessary.  With the whole November blog before us, I can't believe its (technically) December 7th 2010, a whole year and month since. Seriously? I could not possibly fit an entire years worth of memories into one single blog, so I'll start with how I remember last December going.

Though I had the whole 30 day rule under my belt, that was the best I could honestly do.
I was more than a hot mess.
I was a royal, out-of-control hot mess. Plus 10.
I seriously owe it to God for giving me an AMAZING set of Fulltimers during that time, they were the blessing I needed (to keep my job that is)

The truth is, around this time last year, I wouldve already maybe been a bottle of wine deep and uncorking the second. Conan mightve been on in the background, but I was sitting on the brown flowered floor rug my sister gave me cause I told her I liked it ( I only took a lamp when I moved out) and smoking a black because I picked up that habit when I decided it made me feel better too.  I was 23, I had lived "on my own" since I was 18, but I'd never ever spent a day alone or without him since I was 15 and I felt like I was losing my mind, truthfully, LOSING IT.
At first, I would tell myself its "pampering" myself after a long day.. and that I "deserved" . At least thats what I made myself believe, for a very very long time.
But it was bad. Most times I wouldn't even have food in my tiny section of the fridge...but there was beer! Some days, alcohol would be my only meal of the day. Then right next to my flowers would be half a bottle of tequila from margarita nights(which meant every night pretty much, but I did love my wine).  There was only half because I knocked it over after I drank the bottle of wine, or in some sort of drunken rage of throwing crap against the walls. Or on cleaning day, I'd gather the 3-5 40's I bought with my last 5 bucks, or realized I really needed to drink and nothing was open but 7-11.
I got wasted on my weekends and stayed glued to my bed, I'm glad no one really knew how bad it was. Well, I think Claudia knew  And maybe, maybe my mom, but I'm sure she was in denial. I'm sure all of those 3 am drunk dials  cant be forgotten(I love you ma).But even laying here now, reflecting on it, I feel a sucker punch wave of pain to my heart. No one but me and God really know what went down within those four walls those first few months, not just the walls of my room. But the ones in my heart, the ones surrounding my mind. I can honestly say, I was detoxing from a person, from an addiction. They dont have rehab for Just-got-dumped-after-spending-almost-half-your-life-with someone/Only-guy-you've-ever-cared-about. They didnt offer classes on "How to be an indivudual and/or coexist without someone you made your other half"
Alcohol is a cheap mans prescription for pain, and it was no different for me......

But here I am, December 6th 2010, I knew I'd get here. I just never imagined I would be THIS happy, THIS peaceful, THIS changed, THIS BLESSED! (Thank GOD!!)

Drunk on Peppermint Jo Jo ice cream, High on God, Wasted with LIVING LIFE!!!!!!! :)
My calendar fell off the walls a few months ago, and yeah, I'd been too lazy to pick it up and rehang so it kind of got thrown around my books and journals for a while; But I felt like rehanging it a few weeks ago.
I happened to open it up to November of last year and I saw an entire month with big fat X marks on every day of the month. It sounds silly, but when I looked at it, I think I can tell how I was feeling each day about that then HUGE daily accomplishment.
As lame as it sounds, I (maybe read somewhere....erm...) that a good rule for a break up is the 30 day rule, so my day happened to land on November 6th, it was the last day he had emailed(via Facebook) telling me how...Well, its sort  of irrelevant what he told me, so I'll spare you. What I'm getting at is, when I picked up the calendar to that month exactly, I felt God telling me, " Look how far you've come." All I could do was smile.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Liar Liar

Its really ironic, the title of this blog that is...

The first part of my personal mantra is Let go, and of course I embrace this often, and I really try to every day. The problem is, I can let go of everything usually thats negative or could upset me. I really am positive 87% of the time.
Except when it comes to you.
And No, this isn't what most people think it is. When tell people I was engaged last year, after an 8 year relationship, the response I usually get is, "What the!!..." Insert hugs and horrified faces here. (Always awkward) and generally my response goes something like, " No! Dont! Seriously the best thing that couldve happened to me!" And its true, it really is.
I put the facts in front of me feeling like if I profess them outloud, it makes my case that I am 100% okay.
And sometimes I truly feel that way, MOSTLY.

But being inspired by recent, raw honesty amon friends... I trust everyone and Love everyone and above all. I love God because He healed me when I took refuge in Him and I feel Him so close to me when I bring my case before Him.
But there's one sore, dark, afflicted room in my heart that I don't want anyone going into because its a place I don't want to acknowledge exists. No one, not even God, is supposed to go there. He can have all of me, and speak Truth over everything else in my life, except the key to this room is still held by someone else. Its where you still define me.
Youre there.
Youre the reason why I don't believe in ever finding real Love
Youre standing there in the memories, and instead of all of the "love" I saw there. All I see now is how terribly we failed each other.
Youre there in the room, mixing mojitos, telling me what a screw up I am and always will be.
I fall for it every time. Every single time.
With how far I've come, how strong people think I am, I pretty much find it impossible to believe I'm worth fighting for... By anybody. Talk about self worth issues huh? 
The truth is, I hide in Gods wings most of the time, and there I'm safe. But what will I do when he pushes me out and asks me to take a leap of faith?
Will I always see you there? Reminding me I'll never deserve all I ask for, and even if I did ask for it as I have, You'll never be brave enough to risk it all again.
I recieved a perverted sort of love when I was too young,
and Ive spent my whole life displacing, rearranging, assembling, fixing, and setting my self worth in nothing but Lies about what it's like to be really Loved and cared for and I have clung desperately to them for so long.
People tell me to follow my heart about it when the time comes, that's just stupid.
My hearts lied to me my whole life because hearts like to be adored and persuaded and sought after to cover up all the other lies that we believed before. They like to settle for petty attention instead of wait for sincere devotion, and the sad part is, we tell ourselves settling acceptable normalcy and waiting is in the extreme. Hearts are hasty, and no one should trust their own cause its a vicous cycle.

When does it end?

Monday, November 1, 2010

The most amazing woman I know

Blogging seems like a lot of work and time consuming, but I'm going to give this a shot.

45 years ago today (Sorry ma!) a baby girl was born, and God said, "This is good." :)

I couldnt go to sleep tonight without dedicating a little bit of my day to the most amazing woman I know, My mom.

Nothing can explain the depths of how much our moms love us, accept us, hurt for us, and man do they have grace for us!! I am so blessed.

My mom and I have not always had the best relationship, truthfully there were rough times in both of our lives that tore us apart. That brought resentment, painful words, and what conversations that merely amounted to sentences over the course of maybe five years.
The past year, I've faced the toughest year of my life. Looking back on that first month, I remember one night so well, and I will probably never forget it.
After a long drive from California, I sat outside of my parents house and cried.
My mom came out and sat with me and the car, and just held me. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life, and she just held me and cried with me. I screamed, I yelled, and I cursed. Did I mention I cried? When I looked into her eyes, no matter how great the pain felt, a part of me told me what she was feeling FOR ME might have been more painful than what I was even feeling myself. I remember her telling me, trying to explain to me, (through my ramblings) how sometimes Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

I think this was the night my relationship was truly restored with her, and I give thanks to God every day for doing what He had to do to get my life right.
Because through so much pain, with SO MANY tears, so much beauty has been given to me in its place, like a real appreciation for an amazing mom like mine.

People always tell me how much I look like my mom, and I still don't like it. ( though she is beautiful!) But these days, I truly pray with sincerity, those words will change and people will tell me,
"You are just LIKE your mother. Shes kind, she is compassionate, and she serves her Lord with every breath she has. She is patient, she's funny, she's graceful. She's the kind of woman who is a blessing to everyone she meets."
Because my mother is all of those things and so much more.

I love you mom, thank you for never ever giving up on me.
For always forgiving me
For holding me when I have just needed to be held
For giving me grace when I am a pain!! :)
But for giving me reason to be all that I am called to be, and believing that I am.

So thank you mom, for reminding me that yes, some of Gods greatest gifts are indeed unanswered prayers. He gave me knowledge of Love, and with that gift, came a new Love for you.

Happy Birthday mama!
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