Dream w/Two Feet On The Ground

As far back as I can remember, I've always had a love for a good story. I was the dorky kid who would get in trouble for hiding my book under my desk so I could read while the teacher was lecturing (I knew I'd never need to actually know that equation!) & I have good memory of my dad scolding me for bringing my book to the dinner table.  

I LOVE books. (I was actually a bookworm last year for Halloween, dork much?)
I LOVE to write as well.
I used to write poetry and was obsessed with all the great poets by the time I was in the 6th grade. However because of my dorkiness, I often raved madly on and on about things like time travel to places in Eqypt where dinosaurs roamed and ruled the city and men were subject to their authority and dominion.

Though like most of us, as the wages of time and life wore on me, I began to lose sight of the simplicity and satisfaction of good books and a good imaginative story. I lost child-like sight and passion for the very things inside of me (besides God Himself) that make me come alive. When the biggest storm of my life hit in 2009, out of all the things I had lost, I realized one of the biggest things that slowly withered away was the dormant dreams God set in my heart at a young age; My OWN flame, my own gifts and my own desires.
Thankfully, I've rediscovered both of those passions. I'm probably reading 3 books right now(Yes, at the same time). & Clearly, I've sharpened my pencils and dusted off some old journals to begin to discover my love for w o r d s again (Obviously I'm not in the lack of things to say)
With time I've realized its not so much fun to be a dreamer-standstiller-simplistic-imaginative person all by your lonesome.
We need other people to fan some of their flame into us, to nudge us a little closer and deeper to our child-like ambitions/imaginations.
Surround yourself with sillies, if you love to laugh.

With smarties, if you feel you need educating.

With dreamers, if you too "Have a dream.."

but more importantly, with Encouragers,
who do not look at what you are now, but a finished product;
not who you were, but still not yet what you shall be.

Finding MY Flame in the Stars,

Valerie

You don't KNOW me!! But in case you want to..

This is a guest interview I did over at The Miller's with my lovely friend Jazmin, (give her a shoutout on Sunday, its her birfday!!) Thought I would share it with my faithful followers and anyone who wants to know a lil more about me :o) E N J O Y! & God Bless <3 

Three random facts about Valerie: 

1. I hate walking around barefoot indoors, love it outdoors, but inside I get totally weirded out when I don't have shoes on...Its okay to NOT invite me over bc of 
this lol :)
2. When I eat a regular sandwich, you know, not the sub kind, I have to tear the sandwich in a half WITH MY HANDS. No knife cutting involved.
I know. Its weird.
3. I’m allergic to ricotta cheese, and no other dairy whatsoever. Don’t ask how I knew it was an allergy. 

What are your passions? 

As I get older, and yes 25 is now officially getting older, I really have found myself being passionate about the little things in life; passionate about God opening our eyes to how much better life is and can be enjoyed in simple things like flowers, rainy days and warm cups of coffee, in the silly things my kids say in the UnderTheSea program I help in at church,its in sharing in the suffering of friends or perfect strangers who pass in my line at Trader Joes. The word "Passion" has redefined itself time and time again and recently has become a greater challenge, because it means I cannot back down regardless of what I see, or any excuse, or what other people are doing around me. I think we can be and should be passionate about everything we do in life, because it all has a purpose. I think I'm passionate about passion!! :o)
 

What are your goals?

I have a few :o). 
1. Eventually start two non-profits: One geared towards the homelessness 
and the second will help families with terminally ill children 
2. Minister to sexually trafficked women overseas
3. Missions
4. Daily goal: Die to myself
5. Life goal: Be like Jesus

Is there anyone that you really look up to as an inspiration?

Christ.  But on earth now I look up to different people 
for different reasons. I look up to my mom for her great faith during trials, I look up to my dad for his tender heart, but I would have to say
I really do look up to my grandma, who passed away a few years ago from cancer. My grandma was the most Godly woman I've ever met.
Her smile could light up in entire room; she never ran out of them. If she was ever having a bad day, you'd never know it because she constantly 
put the need of others before any situation of hers.

What motivates you on a daily basis?   

Bacon. Bacon on eggs, bacon on French toast with peanut butter, BLT’s,  potato/cheddar soup WITH those little bacon bits.
But no, seriously? That it’s not about who I am, but what He’s done. 
 

What's always in your refrigerator? 

Milk, coffee, eggs, turkey burgers.
 

Trait you most hope you have in common with Jesus.

Compassion 

Song that best describes your spiritual experiences to date:   

Probably "I am" By Kirk Franklin. It’s a great way to start the day, a nice cup o’joe, and dancing around reminding myself my walk with God is a process.  “I am, so far from perfect. I thought life was worthless until You showed me who I am. I’m on my way to who I am. Not who I was, but still not what I shall be.” I pretty much still cling to this Truth like a new-born baby!  It’s my milk in the morning,….Is that awkward?

Superpower you wish you had:

Flying would be pretty flippin’ sweet!! I would be tempted to creep on people though and fly around my friends houses. 

Best piece of advice you ever got: 

This is ever changing, but more recently by a good brother, "K.I.S.S."= Keep It Simple Stupid LOL :) . For some reason, it speaks to me. 

First word that pops into your head when you hear "christian": 

Jesus
 

What is your number one inspiration for your blog, or simply life in general? 

Creating some kind of beautiful unity from my life into yours, hopefully with a little hope and a lot of awkwardness. 
 

Describe your personality in five words.
Random
Conservative
Silly
Dreamer
Passionate 
 

Organized or messy? 

God is sanctifying me okay? ....
 

Vintage or new?

If you know me, its gotta be vintage!!

Mix-matched or matchy? 

Can I be both?
 

Realistic or ideal? 

I turn my ideal into my reality. Suckas.  

And lastly, what's your favorite accessory? 

a smile :o)  My mom always told me “Smile please. You look so ugly when your face is like that…No, I’m not saying you’re ugly. I’m just saying,  when your face is like THAT, it makes you look ugly.” Thanks mom. Needless to say, I smile A LOT now.

Just another " Have A Nice Day."

I stock grocery shelves for a living. As in, I make my means to pay my bills by slangin your quinoa and bagging your brie and favorite “OMG I LOVE THOSE”  infamous pita crackers. As someone who works in the “service” industry, I’m sure you can imagine what kind of conversations we get to have with people (invited or not). From 

“Excuse me, Do you carry Colon Flusher?”….

“Yes we do.”

“......Have you ever used it before?” 

"Umm..."

Or 

“Hi this is Valerie, thanks for calling ____, how may I help you?”

“Do you have your Kittys Fave Tuna Snax in?? My kitty really misses them!! She is soo sad!!! She won’t stop asking me for them…

What’s that?? She wants to talk to you!”

……..I couldn’t make that up people. I had a five minute conversation with a cat, and I could be wrong, but the cat actually sounded sad. 

But occasionally we get the “ My husband just died of cancer.” Or “Yeah it’s my day off, I’ve been out of work for a year now.” Or the not so extreme,” I’m okay.” 

When something in her inability to meet your gaze, or the dark circles under his eyes indicate the “okay” may be because of a long night staying up caring for his wife who just returned home after her 4th chemotherapy treatment.. The question is, how could we know? 

Most of the time, we feel awkward and uncomfortable when we see someone suffering right in front of us. As much as we say we want to do good and help others, the truth is, we kinda  just want the nice happy people to come through and small talk about the rainy weather. Instead of the girl who clearly is about to break down and cry for reasons unknown. The truth is, we aren’t nearly as courageous (or selfless) enough to look into the eyes of another human being and find out how IN THAT MOMENT, you can be a blessing in their lives. You cannot fix them or the problem, but you CAN bless them by not treating them as another $20.11 in Seaweed Snacks, another “Have a nice day” like just another face in the crowd.  We are all “faces in the crowd”, we all feel alone, insignificant.

But we are looking for a reason to have hope in something, it might be, that a perfect stranger would actually look you in the eyes and for one minute step outside their world and REALLY see you and your need and in a beautiful exchange between the human heart, be a reminder that you that you are not alone.  

I have let many divine appointments slip out of my hands because I didn’t take the time, or was too afraid/awkward to ask how their day was really going; but there are and have been times when I stepped out in faith (no matter if I was rejected or awkward) and asked that question a little more deeply a second time. I will tell you, most people don't know it; but we all feel a little more alone than we'd like to believe & I've had amazing stories and moments with strangers I would've missed out on if I'd just said, "Have a nice day." What I have come to realize in life is at the end of the day(&our lives for that matter) all we have to hold onto is HOPE in tomorrow, FAITH for today, and to LOVE until we get there.

I pray every day I dedicate to the top of the list the greatest thing any of us will pursue in life: LOVE 

& you can take that to the bank. 

Not to EXIST, not to LIVE, but to LOVE

Valerie 

Cr@p My Mom Used To Say #263

I'm not quite sure what type of little girl I was looking back, besides being a sassy-r0yal-pain-in-the-you-know-what! 

But by the time I reached my high school years, after some pretty awkward (you know what I'm talking about!) stages.

I emerged no braces, a few extra curves, and basically a lot more confident than my baby fat, tomboy face of most of my life.

(I am such a baby here!!)

er

I always joke with people that I'm going to make a book titled, "Crap My Mom Used(&Still Does) To Say." Because truly, my mother is one of a kind (in an amazing way). Straight up, she says some of the most off the wall stuff, and she has pretty much been that way since as far back as I can remember. 

The point here is, regardless of my emerging swan time. My mom would constantly nag me about smiling.

Not the in cutesy, how you would imagine a loving mother kindly nagging her daughter about the importance of smiling;

But sometimes we'd be at the grocery store and I'd be checking my pager (Yep, thats right..If its maja hit me on my paga!!) and I would hear her, 

“Smile please. You look so ugly when your face is like that…No, I’m not saying you’re ugly. I’m just saying,  when your face is like THAT, it makes you look ugly." 

Back to me rolling my eyes, wondering when I'd be able to return my page (haha!!)

Here's the thing though, some of you may not understand how a mama could talk like that. Thankfully, I do. & I love and appreciate my mama soo much! 

Thankfully [Insert life altering event here] and I learned the hard way that smiling is the most beautiful, cheapest, accessory I have to offer the world. Straight up (also like my mom says) the most beautiful girl in the room could be the ugliest if she isn't smiling.

Thanks mom, needless to say, I smile a lot now. :o) 

So look at all your rings, your necklaces, your make up and realize the most beautiful thing you can wear today is your 

Smile 

Smile or don't but as my mom would say,

You probably look ugly if you aren't!

To REAL Curves,

Valerie

Stronger Saturday's

Good Morning 

You ever have those days, that you wake up, and just know it's going to be the best day ever?

You roll out of bed on the right side, You hear a voice whispering, "Today's a new day.

To laugh

To love everyone in sight

To  expect the unexpected

To dance even when people ARE watching." 

If you aren't quite there yet today, 

Shake it off. 

Refuse to give in to circumstantial joy.

Let strength arise; let the Light of God in and make all that junk hide. 

Leave yesterday behind, and always worry about your tomorrow's Tomorrow. [Think about that one ;) 

Here's to a Better Day than Yesterday, 

Valerie

Watch Out World, We Bustin Out!!

As some of you may know, but most of you do not, one of the small victories I’ve had this year is I’ve become a runner. 

Yes, FOR PLEASURE. (I know right, pure insanity.) 

I hated running.

With a fiery passion, I couldn’t stand even the thought of running. 

But in May of this year, I stood in front of a treadmill and decided I had enough. I would no longer be beat by convincing myself out of “wrong thinking” attitude about what I am capable of; so I said a little prayer asking God for strength and I ran 2 solid miles the first day. (Yeahhh boy!!) 

Several months later, I’m happily averaging 4 miles or so when I run, which is GREAT compared to ANYTHING I ever thought I would be able to accomplish!! & To be honest, I was pretty comfortable with what I was doing. I was satisfied.

I recently joined a new gym in my area and decided to take a class they have called " Tread and Shred" (Basically a running version of the royal-kick-in-the-bum-death-cycling Spin class) . I was unsure of what to expect and I hopped onto the treadmill last night and was placed next to a female marine. Oh yes, competitive side arising!
We ran 30 minutes straight, mainly on 8-9 mph ( I had only been averaging 6-6.3 MAX!) So I was needless to say, A HOT MESS! But I was doing it! How in the world?!... I have never ran at that pace, in those intervals, and for that duration EVER.
Don't get it twisted ya'll, it wasn't a breeze!!!
Yet there I was, placed right next to someone who kept hollering over to me, " You CAN do this!! You CAN DO THIS!!" And I did, I pretty much owned that treadmill!!

My blogs won't always be about pushing, stretching, and thriving; but it's hard to avoid the topic when I feel like that is what life is all about.

So today I personally challenge all of you who are in a comfort zone with who you are, what you have accomplished, to up your game; Because I KNOW you CAN. As much as we complain about people putting us in a "box" we often do the same things to ourselves. What box are you putting yourself in? Don't be afraid to bust out and proclaim, "Watch out world, I'm not done yet!!" Believe you are capable of greater things than what you've settled for.

Happily-Bustin-Out'-My-Box,

Valerie

The Untold Tale of the Legendary Onion Conquerer.

“You wanna know something’ about this salad?”
                                               “Mmmm, oookay, sure?”

“This salad has red onions.”
                                              “……That’s amazing.”
“No...You see, I used to HATE red onions, but one day I just decided…I love EVERYTHING else about this salad..and darn it, these little red onions are not going to ruin the whole thing for me.. SO I ATE IT!!!”
“….I think this just says a lot about what an over-comer I am........”
              “Wow.” 　

My wonderful, very compassionate friend Suzan laughed and shook her head, “Wow.."

(Suzan awkwardly eating my leftovers!)

       I giggled as I mumbled out, “..Seriously though.” And I looked out into the ocean and scanned the open sea.
Even though Suzan knows SO MUCH about me and my story...No one quite knows another’s stories, failures and victories other than a the person who has experienced them his/her self.
The joy, the pain, and the “onions” of life are what keep us walking on; Though we rather do without the pain (or rancid smell) but it’s what forces us to stretch because, well, s t r e t c h i n g is quite frankly the only thing left to do.
& No one other than myself and God will ever know what that moment was like......I realized I was eating red onions. It sounds silly, insignificant mostly, but I realized all my small victories (like these) were leading me to greater ones; and I had been so caught up changing and pressing on I hadn't even realized it!!

Needless to say, as Suzan lay tanning with her headphones on, I couldn’t stop smiling over my salad.
I chomped, probably pretty cheesy-like, and enjoyed the crap out of that salad that day :o)
So if you actually stopped to read this, please don’t stop celebrating your small victories. Because we feel small sometimes, we think everything about us is small.
That’s a lie.
Celebrate your small victories and be encouraged only greater  ones are to come! (Please feel free to comment and share as well!!)

Make YOUR victories legendary ...Even if it's just in your own book :o)
Blessings

Valerie

Si, se puede!! (I don't know if that's right actually, I don't really speak the spanishes..)

There’s nothing, not one thing, that I cannot do!!　

Sometimes my brain creates art.

Not typical art, but deep, moving art.

I paint a picture with my feelings, or express things I cannot find the words for.

My brain then, somehow, sculpts it to perfection, in only the way brains can do.

　

                  Most of my art is fleeting, and drops in during random moments of the day, like when I’m talking to a customer about why recyclable bags are a part of the governments conspiracy using global warming to support a billion dollar “Green’ industry. (For the record, I use canvas bags and cut the rings on soda plastics so baby dolphins blood do not stain these hands!)

            But it comes to me when I’m walking out of my door, or listening to the trees breathe as I nap to little bits of Heaven on earth. But I never actually take pen to paper and draw/paint anything. I’ve always accepted I jus am not gifted in the area of drawlings.

I probably, as they call it, “SUCK.”
See picture below

　

　

Okay. That wasn’t deep at all, but hopefully you get the picture.

Literally.

……..Cause I just showed you one.

I suppose what I’m coming to realize is : We ARE art.

We, in ourselves, are the definition of a divine artistic expression.

Our passions, our talents, our giftings, are waiting to be SET FREE from our little dreamer hearts!

They’re waiting to be released from those silly misconceptions that our “art” must look like another’s or conform to the pre-set to what we call “beautiful”.

Because I think

Creativity is much like our own thumbprint; it cannot be duplicated, cloned, or ever repeated in the same way.

So I think if you aren’t so good at drawling, or dancing, painting, writing, or making funnies (jokes)

DO IT ANYWAY

Beautifully,

passionately,

CONFIDENTLY ooze as much of YOU into everything YOU do.

Put your thumbprint on that sucka and call it ART

What do your small victories mean? :o)

“You wanna know something’ about this salad?”

“Mmmm, oookay, sure?”

“This salad has red onions.”

“……That’s amazing.”

“No...You see, I used to HATE red onions, but one day I just decided…I love EVERYTHING else about this salad..and darn it, these little red onions are not going to ruin the whole thing for me!!”

“….I think this just says a lot about what an over-comer I am.

.......”“Wow.”

Before a few years ago, I thought I knew what I wanted.
I knew what I liked, what I didn't like and what I would never do and see myself doing.

Fast forward 2 years and a very humbling life changing event.

I try everything once, I don't let old pre-conceived ideas about things hold me back & I will NEVER let red onions stop me from eating that delicious, scrumptious BBQ Chicken Salad anymore!!
I won't eat around them, I won't pick them old.
I will take the good with the bad and the bad with the good.

So what's holding you back from your enjoying your BBQ Chicken Salad? What are you trying "pick out"? Or "go around"?

I say, Lifes a garden baby, so dig it!! (All of it!!)

What FAITH yesterday, can do for you TODAY.

I was going to write about something entirely different tonight, then of course my mind hurriedly got swept into something of a tornado of thoughts (Brains are REALLY great at this, at least mine is )But my brain landed right into what TODAY was like :) (Imagine like the old Today show logo)

Today I woke up smiling, is that weird? I sure thought so! I didn't dream about Conan O'Brien doing the string dance, or a lifetime supply of mango's, or baby sea otters
(they are sooo cute then they're sleeping!!); I didn't dream anything in particular.
But I woke, smiling. A genuine smile.

Kind of like this little girl, I even sporatically threw up jazz hands for fun!  

Really beginning my walk as a Christian this year, I've struggled. When I say, I struggled; I mean, I fell flat on my face and have more spiritual nose bleeds and bruises from walking into walls than Saul maybe (Okay, probably not Saul...) I think even as Christians sometimes we put too much emphasis on how "strong" we are. (Or maybe that's just me? Let me preach to myself then, shoot!!) The problem with this, is anytime we ever face trials or tribulations and react accordingly; we fall into condemnation FOR how we feel. (What?!?) "I shouldn't be sad!!" "My joy is in the LORD!...right?...But...I'm still broken/confused/lost" "You should be ______" I mean, fill in the blanks. 


The TRUTH is, sometimes God is allowing something to happen to help me grow, and sometimes, I just don't/cant see it the way He does.


He's showing me how to Be alone.


I think it's safe to say we live in a culture that encourages relationships. One might even say, if you aren't seeking one and are actually even closed off to the idea; You're a freak! Seriously, let's keep it real. It's just not as acceptable/normal to choose to be alone.
Not that I have to defend the Gospel, but I will say this, even while I was dating Daniel, I always had in mind I'd marry him. (We're funny how we make plans, aren't we?) Then when we broke up, I decided again I'd never be serious again until I got married. (Yes, I rebounded. And thus, like many of us, covered up my pain and insecurities and fear and creating God out of other persons/things..Hoping to be completed by and fulfilled in someone else's arms or lots and lots of tulips) 
ZZZINNNGG!! 
Fail.
I think my whole life I've had this "In-it-to-Win-it mentality, and honestly, I think we all do. (Save for another blog, I swear, I'll try to elaborate more again...one day... : / ) 
But God has been showing me lately, THIS is the process of sanctification. (Falling, crying, stretching, falling, crying, waa waa..I mean somebody call the waa-ambulance already!!) 
Sanctification, then, is that sovereign act of God whereby He sets apart a person, a place, or an object for Himself in order that He might accomplish His purpose in the world by means of that person, place, or object.
He is stretchin the hootinnanny (Is there really a correct  spelling for this?.....) outta me!  Sometimes I feel like Stretch Armstrong and my arm is over there and my leg is over here! :/ But it's a PROCESS, going from spiritual rags to spiritual riches. Yes, Jesus, was/is the only perfect and blameless one..Yes I am made in the likeness of God, but I've lived my whole life not knowing any thing really about who I am actually am, until I met God. (Oh, so thats what they mean by being "born-again") 
SANCTIFICATION. Someone preach on sanctification please!!  


So, instead of throwing my temper tantrums when I'm not receiving what the Lord wants to tell me, or beat myself up when mySelf gets the best of me, or straight up not okay with how much this hurts...  

I first have to realize: 1. That God has such grace and love for me, I have to have the same on myself during the molding process (Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8).  It won't happen over night. But I am being made into something I never imaged for myself, or that I could be. I am nothing but clay in the Hands of God, to be molded for His glory. 
2. Stop, drop, and repent!  
3. FAITH!
I could/kinda want to post a million scriptures on faith and what faith can do.
But to put it in my own words, 
Faith, 
faith is all I have. 
Faith, is the very substance of holding onto God when I don't know where I am going or will end up.
Faith is forcing myself to cling to the hope that there is a purpose, there is purpose between every sun that rises and every sun that sets. 
Faith is letting God wrap me in His arms when I can't muster up the strength to even think about Faith. 


Faith is holding on to TODAY's purpose ( Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:34 The Message) I love the second part of that. God will help me deal with WHATEVER hard things come my way, WHEN THE TIME COMES. I have to give my attention to what God is doing now/every day. Every day I have an easy choice to make, my way..or Gods way. 




So I woke up smiling today.
I laughed a lot, I watched the sun set on my lunch and got lost in figuring how glorious my God could be; to create such a beautiful world for me to live in for the time being.
Tomorrow may not be perfect, and tomorrow, I won't be either...


But I'm not worried about tomorrow, 
Faith from my yesterdays brought me smiling into these Today's.
Today, I had a good day.

"...But those who HOPE in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar on wings like eagles..." Isaiah 40:31

So, this isnt the TBC.....but its an impromptu tesimony..small bit...Why I needed a Savior.

Today, was a GREAT day.

Fantastic.

I spent the whole day at the beach with great friends, perfect weather, the whole nine.

Went to our cast party for Heavens Gates and got to watch our play and hang with my church fam (who I grew so much closer to this week) and just soak in being witness to 165 people give their lives to Jesus, and take it in that God let me be a part of that.

Went to the guys house (my bruthas) and did the usual hanging, saw a couple of really cheesy movies.

Drove home per usual around 1 am, little less than 3 mile drive and he popped into my head and my flesh cried out, because I'm not going home to you.

Not because I miss you. Not because I'm still sitting here asking and pleading with God to make a way for you, so we can be together the way we had planned.... but because my flesh has these memories, that run so deep because I gave my heart to you when I should'nt have. Because I never knew how intimate all of those little things I miss, really are (Like driving home to your spouse). How because we never got married, I wasn't guaranteed ANY THING in the end.

Then as I started crying, this song came on KLove

"Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You're the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You're what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I'd need a Savior"

All the days of loss....and to the Cross.. You knew, that I'd need a Savior.

And Your name is Jesus.

My best friend, wonderful counselor.

Youre the one I cling to, and Youre the one that brought me through.

You knew how bad it'd hurt. Because You carried my heartache, and my brokenness when he left me. (the wages of MY sin, You took to the Cross) and you knew I'd need a Savior to fix all of the self destruction I willingly inflicted for cheap, worldy, "love". You knew the deepest parts of my heart, and how they still cried out to know what real Love might be. But just like everyone else, I just wanted to be Loved/accepted/worthy for who I was. Not for the things I did, or the things I might do in the future. But, just LOVED. Without reason. Even when I didn't deserve it. We all need forgiveness don't we?

I remember when I first met You, God. I mean, when I REALLY first met YOU.

Its hard to explain to people, who I pray eventually will really know You, how it felt...

I felt much like I do now..

Weeping uncontrollably.

Because I came to You, not knowing You. And truthfully hadnt REALLY believed in You or Christianity before and I didn't deserve anything for all the screwing up I had done, and especially, if You were real...I REALLY DIDNT DESERVE MERCY!

But You drew so close to me anyway, even though I STILL wasnt sure all of this was real or going to work. But I was DESPERATE, my heart was DESPERATE for relief that Eckhart Tolle could not even get his puffed up Ego around fixing .

And You made yourself known to me, full blown without a doubt, You came in to save me.. and in ways I pray the whole world could experience You in. You crept up beside me, wrapped me in Your arms, and whispered so gently, "Rest in Me". I remember hearing You, over and over, washing Your Love over me and just laying it at your feet screaming, " I can't do this on my own!" You knew I wouldn't be able to. You knew I'd come before I even did. You saw me fail miserably all by myself; my entire life. And you waited. I tortured myself my whole life and kept searching for all the right answers... All the New Age philosophy in the world, meditation.. is cheapened satisfaction and is dirt compared to who You are. And You waited patiently, but also with a jealousy for my affection/attention. 
It's a lie that I bought and fed  for a while, because it was a lot easier to pretend You weren't there. (Because I mean, I didn't really need You). I remember asking You to forgive me for fighting with You for so long, but how my soul finally found peace in Your embrace. Your Love is deep, wonderous, and furious for me. You easily won my heart once I offered surrender.

Next, (about 20 minutes ago) I was drawn to a book about Mother Teresa and opened up a letter she wrote called Varanasi Letter

"We may spend time in chapel – but have you seen with the eyes of your soul how He looks at you with love? Do you really know the living Jesus – not from books but from being with Him in your heart? Have you heard the loving words He speaks to you?...

He loves you always, even when you don’t feel worthy. When not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes – He is the one who always accepts you. My children, you don’t have to be different for Jesus to love you. Only believe – You are precious to Him. Bring all you are suffering to His feet – only open your heart to be loved by Him as you are. He will do the rest."

Only a couple excerpts, the whole thing leaves me a mess after every time. Mostly, the about how he looks at me with Love, kind, sweet, intimate, gentle and compassionate Love. I love how she puts it, because it is not the kind of Love I see with my physical eyes...but with, "the eyes of your soul".

A couple of weeks ago, during a regular wednesday night service I was talking to You in worship and I just felt like asking, "Why? Why would You do this for me? Why do You even Love me? I am the thorn in your crown, and Judas' kiss... and You love me...with this unfathomable Love anyway. WHY?" 

And it was so simple, You came into my heart, and I felt what Your Love really was: Love without reason, Love that suffered/s, Love that was and is and will always be. No matter what I do. Your Love, is the Love, that completely satisfies my soul.. The deepest of Love to ever walk the earth, was Love I still have trouble accepting and believing sometimes. But it is so very real, my soul knows full well it is TRUTH.

From September of 09 to now, its been a journey to say the least ...even the pain I felt tonight, if pain is what it took to gain knowing the Love of Jesus. Someone give me more, so more can be given to me, I need more.

And NO,

this isn't always easy, but with my Savior, I never walk alone.

Psalm 23

 ¹The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

 ²He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

 ³He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

 ⁴ Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.