Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Its cliche, but I blinked maybe twice and it was December 2010. Um, what happened?

I was going to try and intertwine the previous post with this one, but seperating them felt necessary.  With the whole November blog before us, I can't believe its (technically) December 7th 2010, a whole year and month since. Seriously? I could not possibly fit an entire years worth of memories into one single blog, so I'll start with how I remember last December going.

Though I had the whole 30 day rule under my belt, that was the best I could honestly do.
I was more than a hot mess.
I was a royal, out-of-control hot mess. Plus 10.
I seriously owe it to God for giving me an AMAZING set of Fulltimers during that time, they were the blessing I needed (to keep my job that is)

The truth is, around this time last year, I wouldve already maybe been a bottle of wine deep and uncorking the second. Conan mightve been on in the background, but I was sitting on the brown flowered floor rug my sister gave me cause I told her I liked it ( I only took a lamp when I moved out) and smoking a black because I picked up that habit when I decided it made me feel better too.  I was 23, I had lived "on my own" since I was 18, but I'd never ever spent a day alone or without him since I was 15 and I felt like I was losing my mind, truthfully, LOSING IT.
At first, I would tell myself its "pampering" myself after a long day.. and that I "deserved" . At least thats what I made myself believe, for a very very long time.
But it was bad. Most times I wouldn't even have food in my tiny section of the fridge...but there was beer! Some days, alcohol would be my only meal of the day. Then right next to my flowers would be half a bottle of tequila from margarita nights(which meant every night pretty much, but I did love my wine).  There was only half because I knocked it over after I drank the bottle of wine, or in some sort of drunken rage of throwing crap against the walls. Or on cleaning day, I'd gather the 3-5 40's I bought with my last 5 bucks, or realized I really needed to drink and nothing was open but 7-11.
I got wasted on my weekends and stayed glued to my bed, I'm glad no one really knew how bad it was. Well, I think Claudia knew  And maybe, maybe my mom, but I'm sure she was in denial. I'm sure all of those 3 am drunk dials  cant be forgotten(I love you ma).But even laying here now, reflecting on it, I feel a sucker punch wave of pain to my heart. No one but me and God really know what went down within those four walls those first few months, not just the walls of my room. But the ones in my heart, the ones surrounding my mind. I can honestly say, I was detoxing from a person, from an addiction. They dont have rehab for Just-got-dumped-after-spending-almost-half-your-life-with someone/Only-guy-you've-ever-cared-about. They didnt offer classes on "How to be an indivudual and/or coexist without someone you made your other half"
Alcohol is a cheap mans prescription for pain, and it was no different for me......

But here I am, December 6th 2010, I knew I'd get here. I just never imagined I would be THIS happy, THIS peaceful, THIS changed, THIS BLESSED! (Thank GOD!!)

Drunk on Peppermint Jo Jo ice cream, High on God, Wasted with LIVING LIFE!!!!!!! :)

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