Sunday, April 17, 2011

So, this isnt the TBC.....but its an impromptu tesimony..small bit...Why I needed a Savior.

Today, was a GREAT day.
I spent the whole day at the beach with great friends, perfect weather, the whole nine.
Went to our cast party for Heavens Gates and got to watch our play and hang with my church fam (who I grew so much closer to this week) and just soak in being witness to 165 people give their lives to Jesus, and take it in that God let me be a part of that.
Went to the guys house (my bruthas) and did the usual hanging, saw a couple of really cheesy movies.
Drove home per usual around 1 am, little less than 3 mile drive and he popped into my head and my flesh cried out, because I'm not going home to you.

Not because I miss you. Not because I'm still sitting here asking and pleading with God to make a way for you, so we can be together the way we had planned.... but because my flesh has these memories, that run so deep because I gave my heart to you when I should'nt have. Because I never knew how intimate all of those little things I miss, really are (Like driving home to your spouse). How because we never got married, I wasn't guaranteed ANY THING in the end.

Then as I started crying, this song came on KLove
"Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You're the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You're what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I'd need a Savior"

All the days of loss....and to the Cross.. You knew, that I'd need a Savior.
And Your name is Jesus.
My best friend, wonderful counselor.
Youre the one I cling to, and Youre the one that brought me through.

You knew how bad it'd hurt. Because You carried my heartache, and my brokenness when he left me. (the wages of MY sin, You took to the Cross) and you knew I'd need a Savior to fix all of the self destruction I willingly inflicted for cheap, worldy, "love". You knew the deepest parts of my heart, and how they still cried out to know what real Love might be. But just like everyone else, I just wanted to be Loved/accepted/worthy for who I was. Not for the things I did, or the things I might do in the future. But, just LOVED. Without reason. Even when I didn't deserve it. We all need forgiveness don't we?

I remember when I first met You, God. I mean, when I REALLY first met YOU.
Its hard to explain to people, who I pray eventually will really know You, how it felt...
I felt much like I do now..

Weeping uncontrollably.

Because I came to You, not knowing You. And truthfully hadnt REALLY believed in You or Christianity before and I didn't deserve anything for all the screwing up I had done, and especially, if You were real...I REALLY DIDNT DESERVE MERCY!
But You drew so close to me anyway, even though I STILL wasnt sure all of this was real or going to work. But I was DESPERATE, my heart was DESPERATE for relief that Eckhart Tolle could not even get his puffed up Ego around fixing .
And You made yourself known to me, full blown without a doubt, You came in to save me.. and in ways I pray the whole world could experience You in. You crept up beside me, wrapped me in Your arms, and whispered so gently, "Rest in Me". I remember hearing You, over and over, washing Your Love over me and just laying it at your feet screaming, " I can't do this on my own!" You knew I wouldn't be able to. You knew I'd come before I even did. You saw me fail miserably all by myself; my entire life. And you waited. I tortured myself my whole life and kept searching for all the right answers... All the New Age philosophy in the world, meditation.. is cheapened satisfaction and is dirt compared to who You are. And You waited patiently, but also with a jealousy for my affection/attention. 
It's a lie that I bought and fed  for a while, because it was a lot easier to pretend You weren't there. (Because I mean, I didn't really need You). I remember asking You to forgive me for fighting with You for so long, but how my soul finally found peace in Your embrace. Your Love is deep, wonderous, and furious for me. You easily won my heart once I offered surrender.

Next, (about 20 minutes ago) I was drawn to a book about Mother Teresa and opened up a letter she wrote called Varanasi Letter
"We may spend time in chapel – but have you seen with the eyes of your soul how He looks at you with love? Do you really know the living Jesus – not from books but from being with Him in your heart? Have you heard the loving words He speaks to you?...

He loves you always, even when you don’t feel worthy. When not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes – He is the one who always accepts you. My children, you don’t have to be different for Jesus to love you. Only believe – You are precious to Him. Bring all you are suffering to His feet – only open your heart to be loved by Him as you are. He will do the rest."

Only a couple excerpts, the whole thing leaves me a mess after every time. Mostly, the about how he looks at me with Love, kind, sweet, intimate, gentle and compassionate Love. I love how she puts it, because it is not the kind of Love I see with my physical eyes...but with, "the eyes of your soul".
A couple of weeks ago, during a regular wednesday night service I was talking to You in worship and I just felt like asking, "Why? Why would You do this for me? Why do You even Love me? I am the thorn in your crown, and Judas' kiss... and You love me...with this unfathomable Love anyway. WHY?" 
And it was so simple, You came into my heart, and I felt what Your Love really was: Love without reason, Love that suffered/s, Love that was and is and will always be. No matter what I do. Your Love, is the Love, that completely satisfies my soul.. The deepest of Love to ever walk the earth, was Love I still have trouble accepting and believing sometimes. But it is so very real, my soul knows full well it is TRUTH.
From September of 09 to now, its been a journey to say the least ...even the pain I felt tonight, if pain is what it took to gain knowing the Love of Jesus. Someone give me more, so more can be given to me, I need more.

And NO,
this isn't always easy, but with my Savior, I never walk alone.

Psalm 23

 1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
 2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
 3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
 4 Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

1 comment:

  1. Love how God uses different ways to speak right to the deepest part of us. Right when we need it.