Its really ironic, the title of this blog that is...
The first part of my personal mantra is Let go, and of course I embrace this often, and I really try to every day. The problem is, I can let go of everything usually thats negative or could upset me. I really am positive 87% of the time.
Except when it comes to you.
And No, this isn't what most people think it is. When tell people I was engaged last year, after an 8 year relationship, the response I usually get is, "What the!!..." Insert hugs and horrified faces here. (Always awkward) and generally my response goes something like, " No! Dont! Seriously the best thing that couldve happened to me!" And its true, it really is.
I put the facts in front of me feeling like if I profess them outloud, it makes my case that I am 100% okay.
And sometimes I truly feel that way, MOSTLY.
But being inspired by recent, raw honesty amon friends... I trust everyone and Love everyone and above all. I love God because He healed me when I took refuge in Him and I feel Him so close to me when I bring my case before Him.
But there's one sore, dark, afflicted room in my heart that I don't want anyone going into because its a place I don't want to acknowledge exists. No one, not even God, is supposed to go there. He can have all of me, and speak Truth over everything else in my life, except the key to this room is still held by someone else. Its where you still define me.
Youre the reason why I don't believe in ever finding real Love
Youre standing there in the memories, and instead of all of the "love" I saw there. All I see now is how terribly we failed each other.
Youre there in the room, mixing mojitos, telling me what a screw up I am and always will be.
I fall for it every time. Every single time.
With how far I've come, how strong people think I am, I pretty much find it impossible to believe I'm worth fighting for... By anybody. Talk about self worth issues huh?
The truth is, I hide in Gods wings most of the time, and there I'm safe. But what will I do when he pushes me out and asks me to take a leap of faith?
Will I always see you there? Reminding me I'll never deserve all I ask for, and even if I did ask for it as I have, You'll never be brave enough to risk it all again.
I recieved a perverted sort of love when I was too young,
and Ive spent my whole life displacing, rearranging, assembling, fixing, and setting my self worth in nothing but Lies about what it's like to be really Loved and cared for and I have clung desperately to them for so long.
People tell me to follow my heart about it when the time comes, that's just stupid.
My hearts lied to me my whole life because hearts like to be adored and persuaded and sought after to cover up all the other lies that we believed before. They like to settle for petty attention instead of wait for sincere devotion, and the sad part is, we tell ourselves settling acceptable normalcy and waiting is in the extreme. Hearts are hasty, and no one should trust their own cause its a vicous cycle.
When does it end?